He Stopped the Porn... But (Part 3)

Last week Michael explained a bit about "enemy mode" and how it plays in to continued issues with objectification. I'll just add that it also plays into some of the serious character weaknesses men may display in addiction and early recovery (and sometimes beyond). We wives are frequently the person on the receiving end of our husband's struggle with enemy mode.

I've started this week's post with some further ideas on enemy mode Michael wrote after the last post (but which apply to that topic). Please note I've added these first paragraphs to the previous post as well now.

More on Enemy Mode

The alternative to enemy mode is relational mode. To truly be our best selves, we need to be operating in relational mode. That is where both halves of our brain are active and working together. In that state, we can tell whether people are for us and we can empathize. We can use the “mirror neurons” in our brain to share the brain state of people that we connect with. We can still use reason and logic in a relational state, they are just balanced with our relational perspective.

 When someone is in addiction, they frequently ping-pong between all three forms of enemy mode. We spend much of our time numbed out or disconnected, which is “simple” enemy mode. The search for a high or escape is typical of “intelligent” enemy mode. And, when our shame is triggered (and we can’t tell who is on our side), then it is easy to fall into stupid enemy mode.

Bringing it Together

Understanding the concept of “enemy mode” and “relational mode” helps us to understand what is happening when we are “noticing”, “looking”, or “seeing.” When we “notice” a sexual trigger, we are often in simple enemy mode (airplane mode). When we become consciously aware of the trigger, we have a chance to deescalate. That is a good opportunity to work on reengaging relational mode (we will talk about some techniques for doing that later). When we do this, then we are much more able to “see” the person as God sees them. 

If we choose to “look” (trap number one) then we are either in simple enemy mode (coasting mentally) or moving to intelligent enemy mode (a predatory mode).

If we have fallen into the second trap, and are treating women as a threat, then we are also in “intelligent enemy mode.” When I (Michael) was in early recovery I declared war on all forms of objectification. I turned triggering women into threats in my head. My brain was always scanning for danger in the form of sexual triggers. When I entered a room, I somehow knew where the triggering women were. That was very painful for both Lisa and me. It was such a problem that I eventually learned to take off my glasses (I have a strong prescription) to help my brain to relax.

I have learned a lot in my recovery journey and, looking back, I better understand what was going on. I had never learned healthy ways to deal with pain or fear. I was flooded with the fear of losing my marriage. That literally felt like a worse threat than death. I was working from a position of fear and shame and my war on objectification was mostly an attempt to stop the pain. It takes a very mature mind to stay relational when experiencing pain or fear. Jesus was able to remain himself and care for others, while on the cross. I was not so mature. I chose an “intelligent enemy” mode way of dealing with the pain. I made triggering women the enemy and I tried to “win” by creating strategies to avoid them.

I would like to say to any partner reading this, that I understand that my inability to cope with my own pain was a result of a lifetime of avoidance. While my pain felt big, it resulted in much bigger pain for Lisa.

A Better Way

I want to encourage men that you do not need to fall into either trap. It is possible to heal a broken relationship, and that is more than worth giving up the momentary highs of objectification. After fourteen years of recovery, my relationship with Lisa is more life-giving than I would have imagined possible when I started the recovery journey.

It is possible to find healthy ways to deal with fear and shame so that they no longer dominate our awareness. The desire for relationship can become our motivator, instead of the fear that we will make someone upset.

The suggestions that follow will require repeated practice and will feel awkward to begin with. We are laying down new pathways in our brain. Michael Cusick suggested the metaphor of walking through a field of waist-high grass. Any paths that we use regularly will be easy to walk down, as the grass has been trampled flat. Walking in a new direction is hard work, but that path becomes easier to walk down every time we walk down it. Old paths will eventually grow over and we will not find ourselves walking down them automatically.

A Note on Willpower

There is a saying that “Any endeavor that depends on the consistent application of will power is doomed to failure.” I think that most men enter recovery thinking that our major character flaw is not having enough will power. Willpower is important, but it is a limited resource. It will fail us if we rely on it as our primary strategy. The alternative is surrender, but we need to surrender to the right thing.

If we surrender to the process of recovery, and the disciplines that go with it, then we will develop habits that will serve us better than pure willpower. I recently heard about a bumper sticker that said: “The person who dies with the best habits wins.” Our habits are inseparable from our character. The better our habits, the better our character.

The following are some of the skills and habits that I have found helpful in my journey, when dealing with pain, fear and shame. They are pretty universal. You don’t need to be in recovery to find them helpful. Don’t try to do them all at the same time, but pick one or two that feel important and work at them until they become natural. Each one of these is a deep topic that you can research and learn more about.

Michael wraps up this series next week with more on "how to get out of this enemy mode mess."