This beautiful article, illustrating the spiritual crisis experienced by the majority of wives of sex addicts/men with problematic sexual behavior, was written several months ago by Gaelyn Rae Emerson. Gaelyn is a coach specialising in supporting wives who are separating/divorcing and she will be writing for Beyond Betrayal on this theme in the coming months. Today, however, the theme is spiritual crisis.
Be still and know? Seriously God? Do you know what you’re asking?
DON’T YOU SENSE THIS, GOD? That right now, I’m crawling out of my skin? This skin, by the way, that YOU put me in? This skin that looks freakishly “fine” on the outside, trapping me inside an unfathomable reality? This skin that’s supposed to insulate my soul? This skin that entombs me, burying me beneath layers of aching flesh and rivers of boiling blood? Be still and know? Dear God, you must be joking.
DON’T YOU HEAR THIS, GOD? That right now, my ears are roaring? These ears, by the way, that YOU gave to me? These ears that still listen, patiently paralyzed, every time he utters the sound of yet another secret? These ears that still echo a cacophony of muffled horror, all at a volume that I cannot mute? Be still and know? Dear God, you must be joking.
DON’T YOU SEE THIS, GOD? That right now, my eyes are under assault, my sight dominated by images and words I cannot unsee? These eyes, by the way, that YOU gave to me? These eyes that once surveyed a broad field of vision, now immovably locked in one glaring direction? These eyes that are constantly throbbing, deep in their sockets, seizing against the torrents of tears, threatening to drown me? To dehydrate me? To dissolve me? Be still and know? Dear God, you must be joking.
DON’T YOU COMPREHEND THIS, GOD? The speed at which my mind is racing? This mind, by the way, that YOU gave to me? This mind that entertains the darkest of nightmares, against my own will, as if somehow possessed? Accelerating automatically, autonomically, as if by default? This mind that splits into a thousand directions, unexpectedly, at the drop of a hat? This mind that simply WILL NOT not slow down, no matter how desperately I scramble to restrain it? Be still and know? Dear God, you must be joking.
DON’T YOU FEEL THIS, GOD? The enormity of these emotions that completely engulf me? These emotions, by the way, that YOU gave to me? These feelings that are seemingly more powerful than I am, that frighten me with the force of their sway and persuasion? These emotions that overwhelmed me with hope yesterday, only to thrust me back toward hopelessness (or worse) tomorrow? Once upon a time, God, I cherished my emotions, as they ushered me toward communion with You—enlivening, enlightening, in tune, and in touch. What’s up with this disarming emotional devolution, God? These feelings so intense, they surge in defiance of every known precedent? In unpredictable directions? For indeterminate durations? These emotions that undermine me, immobilize me, incapacitate me, simply by the nature of their blatant inconsistency? Be still and know? Dear God, you must be joking.
DON’T YOU KNOW WHAT’S BREAKING DOWN IN ME, GOD? The remnants of my faith in You, unraveling rapidly, against my better judgement? This faith, by the way, that YOU put inside of me? This faith-turned-crisis-of-faith, quickly escalating, nearing a desperate state of emergency? A terminal outcome? A point of no return? This faith that I’ve offered You, buried beneath the rubble of Our beloved mountaintops? This trust that I’ve placed in You, hanging by one tenuous, trembling thread? This desire that I’ve felt for You, now hollow and dispassionate? This hope that I’ve held out for You, ever more harrowed and halting and anemic? This confidence that I’ve drawn from You, now impotent? Inaccessible? Ineffective? Unresponsive? Don’t You believe what’s going on with me, God? I’m trying to tell You something, here. Are You getting it?
Be still and know?
Dear God, please don’t be joking.
Gaelyn will be speaking (along with myself and some of the veterans in the "partner (of sex addict) trauma field") at the Redeeming Sexuality and Intimacy conference in Houston next week on the topics of grief and "alone in the aftermath". You can read more about Gaelyn and her services on her website Women Ever After.
Next week: God's response to a daughter in crisis.