Last week I posted the first part of my critique of the book Benefit of the Debt: How My Husband’s Porn Problem Saved Our Marriage, by Meg S Miller. This week I continue by looking at the argument that, "I'm equally responsible for the problems in the marriage."
But Meg’s right… I’m not perfect either
While Meg is correct that you and I are as much “sinners in need of a Saviour” as our husbands, to imply that our faults are as relationally damaging is (in the great, vast majority of cases) hogwash.
Not only does Meg misunderstand porn addiction, she shows (despite understanding the pain personally) a vast ignorance of betrayal trauma and the journey through it. In the interview she writes about a support group she attended:
“They [the group] encouraged me to find out more, and to snoop more, and to feed the hurt by comforting myself and medicating: shopping, overeating, movie nights—again, and again, and again.”
I’ve written before about the love/hate relationship women have with the trauma reaction of snooping, so I won’t repeat myself. Moving to her next point, I admit, I find it difficult to imagine a group of Christian women, week after week, encouraging each other to engage in their own addictions in response to their husband’s. I suppose it’s not impossible, but this does not bear any resemblance to groups I’ve attended, lead, or even heard of (and I’m pretty connected to a large body of colleagues who lead such groups). Thus, I expect there is a bit of a negative bias going on here rather than true reporting… and yes, possibly some (to use her own words) "self-righteousness".
However, should any woman find herself in a group such as Meg describes, I would encourage you to work to create a change in the culture. You can do this by talking about what healthy practices you are engaging in that are helping you manage triggers and heal. If that doesn’t work, then I recommend you leave and find another group.
I’m uncertain what Meg means by “comforting ourselves”. This may be a reference to physiological self-soothing, aka, grounding, which is a vital practice in the first stage of trauma recovery. Regarding the less healthy forms of self-soothing she names next (all of which can be addictive, but none of which is in and of itself sinful…unlike sexual betrayal), these are easily confused with self-care. This is in part because in moderation, they may be forms of self-care (though they are not the most ideal forms). Self-care is an important part of surviving trauma with the least amount of damage to self and others, and women should not be shamed into seeing it as “selfish” (which again, better describes engaging in porn or sex addiction).
Meg, will of course bring up other sins she struggles with, such as anger (which she re-labels “self-righteousness”). Anger can indeed, easily become sinful. However, it’s also a normal reaction to any injustice. Jesus, showed huge anger at the desecrating of his Father’s temple. It’s ok for us to have huge anger at the desecrating of our bodies (the temple of the Holy Spirit), and our sacred marriage covenant through sexual betrayal. If we sin in that anger, by all means we should repent. An ongoing pattern of sinful anger indicates we need more (wise and loving) support on this journey… and soon. That won’t be the kind of support though that tells us “you’re just as responsible for the relational damage as he is.”
Related to that argument is the lie that I hear Meg implying “all sins are equal.” My bible both directly and indirectly says something quite different, and so does every society on this planet. Examples from the bible include:
- John 19:11: Jesus answered him, “…Therefore he who delivered me over to you has the greater sin.”
- 1 John 5:16-17: If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask, and God will give him life… All wrongdoing is sin, but there is sin that does not lead to death.
- 1 Corinthians 6:18: Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.
- Leviticus 20:10/Deut. 22:24: ‘If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death. (Not one of the consequences set out in scripture for anger, pride, self-righteousness, etc.)
- See more here
Thus all sins are not “equal” in their ability to create relational, spiritual and societal destruction and God acknowledges and warns us about this. He has also sometimes commanded more immediate and dire consequences for certain sins (e.g., idolatry, adultery and other forms of sexual immorality). Society also acknowledges this idea through harsher penalties for some crimes than others. This includes crimes such as physical violence and sex offenses, both of which have been shown to have a correlation to the porn use that… saved Meg’s marriage?? (Maybe that will be the title of Xulon’s next book – “His Violence Saved Our Marriage”).
Xulon publishing and the men they found to write endorsements for this book owe God’s daughters an apology. An apology for supporting and promoting the cognitive distortions so commonly found in porn/sex addiction: minimising, rationalising, justifying and blaming (the victim). This includes the following incredible piece of gaslighting which you’ll find at the bottom of the Amazon page for this book:
“Counselors, family therapists, pastors, philosophy professors, and marriage coaches have agreed that an open, desperately hopeful heart is what separates those who will be liberated by this story – from those who will end up more hurt and angry.”
I’m a counselor and I don’t recall being asked my opinion on the state of the hearts of those who had differing reactions to this book. And (facetiousness aside) I resent my profession being used to gaslight the victims of betrayal by a marketer with no conscience, for the sake of making money off of betrayed women and those looking to support them.
Betrayed partners, you are allowed to get angry at anyone trying to use these kinds of lies and manipulation techniques to shame, trap and blame you for your husband’s addiction, to the detriment of both your soul and his. If your church is promoting this book or telling you to read it, consider a polite, “no thank you,” and point them to this blog post and/or many of the other excellent Christian resources written on this subject. If they want to continue in this vein, please seek some other support for yourself, beyond your church.
One easy-to-access, free resource that is coming up for betrayed women is the Betrayal Healing Conference going on January 27-31. I’ll be elaborating more on the issue of the sex addiction (including porn use)/domestic violence link in my session. Here is a small preview of that talk.
Get all the details and grab your free ticket here!
I wish for all the suffering women who have been hurt by this book, and other resources like it, that you might someday receive an apology like this.
