My husband Michael and I both feel like we’ve spent years of our addiction recovery/ betrayal trauma healing journeys trying to understand men’s issues with objectification and lusting, and also trying to resist (and even heal from) the toxic thinking and advice out there on this subject. Given that the two of us have been 16 years on this journey, we’ve gotten to see a few iterations of the “best practices” taught to guys in recovery. All (or at least most) of these practices offered Michael a little something on his journey to get free of objectifying, but none of them got him all the way there.
At present we’re reading through Darrell Brazzell’s excellent SA recovery group manual. Overall, I think this is the best support group curriculum I’ve run across. It probably helps that Brazzell is influenced by many of the same therapists and thought leaders we admire: Jim Wilder, Karl Lehmann, Omar Minwalla. However, we do feel we’d like to add a few somethings to the ideas presented in Chapter 2, on the temptation and battle guys face around lusting.
We attempt to make these additions with some trepidation. We’re aware that many (including ourselves) have tried in the past to wade into these murky waters only to find we’ve failed to cover every case, and have probably ticked some people off in the process. However, I do think that as a collective group of people working in the SA recovery space, our attempts to understand and explain this complex issue have gradually been moving us in a better direction. We have gone from “treat every woman (under the age of 50, or 60 if you’re older) as the enemy” to, “let’s see women as Jesus sees them.” So, I believe we now all have our eye on the goal. What we disagree on is the steps that can get a man coming out of sex addiction to that place. And that sentence reveals one of the big pitfalls with most of the models out there… there isn’t “a man” coming out of sex addiction. There is a myriad of men with a myriad different experiences with trauma, sin, fear and shame all trying to work out how to get to that goal.
Bits we loved
Michael and I love parts of this section of the manual. Possibly our favourite is Brazzell’s firm stand that no guy is off the hook when it comes to lusting. There is no justification for intentionally drinking in women’s body parts for a dopamine hit and Brazzell has clearly spent many years helping “demolish arguments and every pretension against God's knowledge,” with men (2 Cor. 10:5a) who would say otherwise. (Interestingly I just noticed the last part of this verse is “taking every thought captive to obey Christ…” very appropriate as well).
A major way Brazzell pushes back against excuses to lust is by helping guys recognise that there are beautiful women in their lives (i.e., family members) that their protector instincts come out towards. If they can “not lust” after these women, then they can work to categorise (and thus, "see") all women as family members. This sounds like a healthy practice and like it could be a way for some guys to get to that goal of seeing women as God does.
But… we’ve been colonized
Concerns Michael and I have about this section begin with the “cherry cobbler” analogy and the explanation around desires. That said, we do like where Brazzell ultimately gets to on the issue of desire:
“I believe our desires are part of what God uses to draw us back to him. Without realizing it, what we most deeply desire is intimacy with God himself and all other desires fall short of providing complete satisfaction.”
We so agree with this. And like Brazzell we agree that not all desires are evil. However, the bible is pretty clear that some are. One of our theme bible sections for our work with guys is Ephesians 4:22-24 which begins: “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires…”.
So, when telling guys they are going to notice some women and feel attracted to them (he also tells the wives [paraphrasing here] “he’s going to do this, try not to feel bad”), are we talking about an old self that needs putting off or a “normal healthy desire” like the desire for cherry cobbler (which Brazzell uses as his example for desire… though one that can’t always be indulged in if we’re going to remain fit and healthy).
This is a really tough question. The guy early in recovery (or still acting out) has a cingulate (part of the brain) that is highly attuned to “noticing” and which can give him a near instantaneous ability to narrow in and receive a dopamine hit. Should he and his wife be told not to worry, this is normal, just so long as you don’t intentionally lust? “Just take a moment to notice that you’re attracted, do the proposed exercise and all is good”? I’m just not sure Brazzell took into account the deeply addicted brain when he came up with his analogy. The good news is that by good recovery practices: i.e., not indulging in the addiction, participating in a spiritually healthy community, strengthening the right “connector/peace/joy” side of my brain, we can help the cingulate function the way it was made to (i.e., monitoring threats, integration).
Our other concern with the cherry cobbler analogy is, how can we know what a normal (Brazzell uses one of Lisa’s least favourite phrases in recovery circles) “sexual template”, or “desire” is that we should all just be patient with. Pastor, John Mark Comer makes the argument that as Christians we have all been “colonized” from a young age by the culture around us, leading to disordered desires.
“Every follower of Jesus, in every culture, has to constantly ask the question, in what ways have I been assimilated into the host culture? Where have I drifted from my identity and inheritance? …. Everything starts with deceptive ideas, or lies we believe (put our trust in and live by) about reality – mental maps that come from the devil, not Jesus, and lead to death, not life. But deceptive ideas get as far as they do because they appeal to our disordered desires, or our flesh.”
We believe if God’s great plan for marriage and sex prevailed, we would only be desiring our spouse. However, our culture, trauma, and our sin have all gotten in the way, and now we find ourselves desiring something less than what God created for us. So, while it is a fact that even godly men will likely find themselves noticing and attracted to (i.e. desiring) a woman other than their wife briefly at times, it’s ok for us all to recognise this as a deviation from God’s ideal. The more often this is happening, the greater the period of time before he stops it, and the stronger the pull, the more the signal that he has strayed from God’s way and he should undertake to change something.
Brazzell tells women they may see their husband noticing and becoming attracted to other women, and that they need to understand “the natural pull of attraction.” However, what a woman is likely seeing in such a moment is a husband who still has work to do, because when a guy has done the work, what begins to happen is a process so fast (to get to the goal of seeing everyone around them as God’s kids) she is highly unlikely to be aware of his having done it, unless he tells her after.
What is the work?
Both Brazzell and Comer agree that Christian community (e.g., group) and spiritual disciplines are going to be involved in healing a broken “wanter”. We agree with this too, and also that the practice of “not intentionally indulging” will be important.
However, some practices keep us on the left side of our brain (where we are when consuming others rather than relating to them). Those same practices also keep our perspective, “small or narrowed” (as it is when we are in our addiction, consuming people).
Left-brained “thinking and using vocabulary” practices (with what Karl Lehman calls “our verbal, logical, explainer”), are also very slow, compared to automatic habits (sadly lusting being one of them for most guys in support groups). Now, with practice, what is slow and clunky to begin with becomes streamlined, so I do absolutely still see a place for practices like Brazzell’s. In fact we’ll throw in another helpful left-brain one: when you notice a woman, turn your thoughts positively to your wife (i.e. remember being attracted to her, which will likely have physical/sexual elements and more). Back to Brazzell’s exercise though, we think its greatest strength is actually step one: “connect with God”.
As soon as we connect with God, we are widening our perspective, which is counter the narrowing the addiction would have us do. However, there’s “connecting to God” and there’s “connecting to God” (as Brazzell knows). If I’m just giving mental assent to God’s presence and starting a conversation with Him in that instant, I’ve possibly widened my perception a little, but I’m still on the left side of my brain, where the addiction wants me. It’s as I move to the right side where I deeply, “connect to God” (also experience, joy, peace, love), that I “put off the old self, and put on the new” (created to be like God in righteousness and holiness – Eph 4:22-24 again). On the right side of my brain I don’t have to so much think my way through to “seeing” people (as a mother, sister, daughter), I just do. This is what the right side does.
Thus, what we see ultimately as the exercise that’s going to move us toward a Godly “wanter” is the continual (daily, multiple times a day) practice of connecting deeply to God through gratitude. Jim Wilder argues that 30 days of 5 minutes of gratitude (3 times per day) makes changes in the brain an MRI can see (see The Other Half of Church for more). We don’t know many people who are willing to do the exercise 3x per day, but even once or twice will make a noticeable difference in our ability to quickly connect deeply with God (especially if we do this exercise ongoing).
To this practice, we would add, for those who have more serious issues with lusting, once they have gotten good at the above, the additional daily practice of doing the exercise Brazzell gives at the end of the chapter in questions 40-42, or (and this may feel safer for some of you, or for your wives) the visualisation exercise Lisa has created for guys in recovery. A summaried version of that exercise follows:
- Connect to God (deeply, through gratitude)
- Go back to a memory of being around a person/people you have struggled with noticing/having attraction towards (or just being in a place where you have struggled with lusting)
- Ask God “how do you want me to be with this person/people” (or “with people I would tend to notice”)?
- Ask him, “how are you going to help me with that?”
Practice this exercise at least once per day (e.g., can be done on one of your group calls). God’s answer will offer that wide, loving, “seeing” perspective (if it doesn’t, reach out for help with the exercise to Lisa or someone who has done it longer). Write down the answers and images God gives you.
When we know we are going into a triggering situation, we can take a minute or two to do this practice (e.g., in the car before going in somewhere we have “noticed” in the past). Then, when the moment of seeing someone who our brain “pattern matches” as being related to something we’ve lusted after (in porn, real-world people), we should find that (in time) we have a fast track over to the right side of our brain that kicks in because we’ve already strengthened it through our practice. The real-world practice is something Michel and I call “bouncing our heart”. The steps in the moment are:
- Notice a disordered desire (and it may come with a jolt of the old addiction neurochemicals at first, but in time this weakens)
- Bounce my heart to that bigger perspective of God’s, i.e. the one he has given me during my daily practice.
We believe these exercises will help us see all people as God sees them. This will change us deeply and have positive flow on effects to those around us. And, there’s ultimately no space for disordered desire in that.
But what if there’s fear too?
For some men, fear and anxiety can play a role in their pattern of objectifying and lusting. In recovery, unwanted triggers (noticing) can be a reminder of the relational devastation that objectifying and lusting have caused, resulting in fear. Of course, fear of continued relational pain is understandable.
Those men who in the past used lusting as a means to control general anxiety are particularly likely to hit the fear issue. Abstaining from objectifying not only removes the false comfort, but now the fear of noticing (and experiencing further relational pain) can add to the general anxiety. A further complication is that sexual addiction “hits” are strengthened when the dopamine reward is accompanied by strong negative emotions, such as fear.
So, there are several ways that fear can tie into objectifying and lusting. This causes a couple of problems. Your brain is always scanning for things that might be dangerous. So, if you are afraid of objectifying, part of your brain (the cingulate, yes that same part that was seeking a hit) is seeking out what you might find triggering so that you can avoid it. Ironically, this draws your attention to what you are trying to avoid. The second problem is that fear takes the relational circuits of your brain offline.
Brazell talks about the problem of fear, saying that the older approaches to purity “put men, committed to faithfulness, in a constant state of fear with fifty percent of the earth’s population.” However, we can’t put all the blame on the older approaches as some of us were struggling with fear around women we found attractive prior to ever trying to bounce our eyes.
The good news is that the solutions for fear are the very same solutions outlined above. While it may take awhile, these practices should reduce the feeling of fear that gets tied in with the noticing.
The exercise that Brazell recommends (connect to God, ask, “who is she to me and how can I protect her”) is valuable in the moment you notice the fear. Sadly the fear response operates in the fast track of the brain, however, this exercise helps the slow track (cortex) take back control and give feedback to the fast track (amygdala/cingulate) that things are “ok”.
However, the key to responding well in the moment is to practice ahead of time. The daily exercise of connecting to God and asking him, “how do you want me to be when I am afraid?” while picturing a situation that brought out a fear response, will bring about change more effectively. It is also helpful to add in a grounding technique to help release the fear stored in your body. Jim Wilder’s “Shalom my Body” exercise (especially the tapping near the vagus nerve portion) and “butterfly hands” are both excellent. Practicing this set of exercises in advance is particularly important because fear will make it more difficult to connect to God in the moment.
It’s also important to note that some men’s noticing (with fear or without) of women is tied into past trauma. If you think that there is any chance your noticing is related to a person who harmed you in the past, this is an excellent observation to take to a counsellor so you can explore doing some trauma processing work around this.
For wives and couples
In “Cherry Cobbler”, Brazzell addresses the wives of group members as well. While I can see his tender heart for women (multiple places in this programme), I don’t think what he writes here is quite as reassuring as he’s aiming for.
Many of the wives will have had excruciating experiences of seeing their husband lusting after women. To be told, “well, you know, enjoying the smell of cherry cobbler isn’t the same as eating it” is not likely to give much comfort or hope. I also don’t think it’s an accurate representation of what they can expect.
For most men the first big goal is “stop the intentional lusting and double takes”. Definitely. Agreed. And, while it is true that our husband’s broken “wanter” is unlikely to be fully sanctified and healed this side of heaven, women can hold out for better than what they get in the early recovery period. This won’t happen just by the passing of time though, but rather through the consistent application of the practices that starve the addictive brain and grow our joyful/connector brain.
In the meantime, another issue women raise with me regularly is the fact that they themselves, on realising what types of women their husband tends to be attracted to, begin to objectify women themselves. This objectifying is accompanied by fear, shame, despair and other strong negative emotions.
Firstly, this is a sad loss, to be grieved. Through no sin of our own, we have to face these painful moments, regularly. There is, nevertheless, an opportunity here as well. It’s an opportunity to lean into God and get my validation from Him: the one who fully sees me, knows me and considers me a treasure worth dying for. What can help these truths move more deeply into our hearts, is the same meditation practices we recommend for the guys.
Finally, for the couple trying to navigate the minefield of a being out in a sexualised world together in early recovery, we recommend they develop a code-word or phrase, or even a gesture. Using the word/phrase/gesture (ideally by the guy first) indicates something along the lines of, “I’m aware that you may find this situation triggering, or you’re worried I’m finding this situation triggering, but I am here with you right now, using my tools to defend our relationship, and be the ‘new man’ God is making me into.” Similarly, the wife could use the word/phrase/gesture to indicate that she is triggered by something in the environment, or she is concerned he will be triggered, and would like some reassurance... or that she is actually ok and connecting to God. Each couple can work out what it is exactly they want to communicate to each other in the moment, and this may evolve over time.
In conclusion, we are grateful for Darrell Brazzell’s group curriculum and his generous sharing of his knowledge gained from over 20 years of work in this field. We appreciate that this particular topic is a very difficult one to understand and explain to others. We hope that what we’ve added fills what we felt were a few missing pieces in Chapter 2 (Cherry Cobbler) as it stands today.
