In my work with both partners of porn/sex addicts and also guys in recovery from problematic sexual behaviors, I regularly run into people struggling with him having stopped the porn, but…
After the “but”, I could put a few things… but , “he’s still fantasizing,” “he’s still checking-out women,” “he’s still watching sexualized media,” “he’s still reacting to women he would have objectified in the past,” “he’s still angry,” “controlling,” “violent,” “self-centered,” etc.
While the overt problematic behaviors are often devastating for a partner, they are not the only damaging thing the husband can be doing to the relationship. In this post, I’d like to focus on the sexually related behaviors that guys may commonly continue to engage in while in recovery (in some cases I would use that last term loosely). I’ll hope to address the character issues in another post.
I’ve also asked my husband to join me in writing this post… because one of the topics “he’s still reacting to women he would have objectified” was a really painful and difficult part of both of our journeys. As I’m aware of other couples navigating this right now, I thought it would be helpful to have him speak directly about what it looked like for him to move out of this.
What is porn?
Today most people seem to have the impression that porn means the videos or images you download off of sites like Pornhub. The definition of pornography, however, is any media (images, video, words in a book) primarily produced with the intention of creating sexual excitement (arousal) and/or shock with arousal in the viewer/reader. Thus, a lot of everyday advertisements and entertainment are actually pornographic.
When men continue to engage with pornography, even though it is a less arousing form of pornography than in the past, they are keeping their addiction going. Moreover, they are hurting themselves and their own recovery (i.e. the process of getting free, healing, maturing, and making amends). They are almost certainly hurting their relationships as well: first and foremost, their relationship with their wife, and quite possibly their relationship with the God who encourages us to make Him our refuge.
The same could be said about fantasizing. Neuro-psychologist, William Struthers, equates the damage to the brain by fantasizing as being pretty much the same as that created by porn. In Wired for Intimacy he writes:
“Sexually acting out in response to pornography creates sexual associations that are stored as hormonal and neurological habits. These associations are seared into the fabric of the brain. These memories can then be pulled up at any time and replayed as private sexual fantasies. In sexual fantasy, the neurological circuit is replayed, further strengthening it. The result is an increase in autonomic sexual arousal, which requires an outlet. These memories and fantasies keep him in bondage and worsen the consequences of the earlier behavior. It can prevent him from being truly present in a marriage, being more preoccupied with the images than focused on his wife.”
Noticing, Looking, Seeing.
Of course, sometimes sexual fantasies are not about pornography viewed, but rather women objectified. It is useful to understand how sexual triggers play out in the brain of someone who has habitually used porn, fantasy, or objectification.
The cingulate is the part of our brain that allows us to focus our attention. When something catches our attention, the cingulate loads “implicit memory” faster than thought. This implicit memory tells us, “This was my previous experience….” In the case of trauma or addiction, this reaction becomes exaggerated. We can get catapulted into a state of hyper-focus. The cingulate has no concept of past or present, so whatever our experience in the past, it feels like we are experiencing it in the present. When we enter this hyper-focused state, we are not taking in information from our environment that would help us make better choices.
Normally, the cingulate sends these messages to our pre-frontal cortex, which is aware of past and present. The pre-frontal cortex processes the warning and does a check to see if it is still relevant. If the cingulate becomes overloaded, as with trauma, then it ceases to pass messages to the pre-frontal cortex, and we experience our past as if it is happening over again.
Jason Martinkus, the author of Worthy of Her Trust, talks about objectification in terms of noticing, looking, and seeing. He defines “noticing” as becoming aware of a sexual trigger and “looking” as dwelling on the trigger to receive a high. Conversely, “seeing” is stepping away from objectification to see everyone as God sees them. Looking is a narrowing of focus and seeing is a widening of focus.
In terms of the brain, we could say that “noticing” is that initial jolt from the cingulate that tells us that something is happening that demands our attention. The cingulate matches the past pattern and instantaneously sends a message to the pre-frontal cortex that can trigger arousal and hyperfocus. It is only at this point that the pre-frontal cortex can kick in and de-escalate the situation, effectively saying “that has nothing to do with me.” This can look like bouncing eyes, saying “that’s pornography” (if the trigger was an image), praying for the person who began the trigger, and/or bringing our wife to mind and doing a “positive comparison” in her favor. These are all ways of moving out of hyperfocus and back into connection with our real self, God and others. This allows us to “see” people as God sees them. As we practice this, we strengthen new connections in the brain that allow us to do this more easily.
This post will be continued next week.
