We have all told lies at some point in our lives, and we have all had people lie to us. However as betrayed partners/spouses we are likely to be particularly unhappy about being lied to by the betraying partner. After all, the lying/hiding about the problematic sexual behaviours was a core part of the devastation we have come to feel, and the ruins we find our relationship in.
I regularly see women struggling to make sense of their husband’s lying in the early and mid recovery periods. As I write in Beyond Betrayal, “the lying is the last to go…” So what am I supposed to do when my husband lies, not about problematic sexual behaviours, but stupid things?
While all lying is relationally harmful, some types of lying are associated with deeper levels of psychological pathology and often create more harm. Factors to consider when looking at lying are intent, active or passive participation, emotional state, awareness of self/that which is around, and cognitive clarity. I would say the spectrum of lying from most to least pathological is:
- Lying by commission – malicious intent
- Lying by omission – malicious intent
- Lying by commission – self-protection
- Lying by omission – self-protection
- Lying by automatic self-protective response (realize instantly it’s not true)
- Lying by commission– dysregulation (I believe it’s true in that state, but realize it’s not when grounded)
- Lying by omission – dysregulation (freeze) – I don’t correct your misunderstanding due to my dysregulation
- Lying by commission/omission due to lack of awareness, carelessness with details, cognitive distortions (though the latter have their own spectrum of pathology and may be in play higher up this scale)
- Misremembering and not stating uncertainty about facts
Just being wrong about the facts, or misremembering them (but having an incorrect sense of certainty), does not constitute lying, though doing these things can also put a strain on a relationship.
Other factors to consider when evaluating the level of relational harm (or the pathology of the one doing the lying) are:
- How relationally important is the subject matter of the lie, e.g., is it another slip, or something related to household chores?
- The frequency of the behaviour
- Whether the individual confesses/self-corrects
- The timeframe in which he does this
- The humility with which he does this
And of course we can also consider how we feel about the lying. Most of us had values that did not hold space for lying before we were betrayed… and we most definitely don’t have space for it after. It is highly advisable to be having conversations with our spouse about our values and feelings around any untruthful behaviours, and using appropriate boundaries and consequences if needed to protect ourselves and (if desired) the relationship.
Sadly, the journey out of lying behaviours for most guys coming out of addiction is just that… a journey. It can help to get support as we work out what we need to be safe while living with someone who is lying, and how we can go about getting that safety in ways that support our goals.
