Since Meg S. Miller’s book, Benefit of the Debt: How My Husband’s Porn Problem Saved Our Marriage was published back in 2018, I’m possibly a bit late to the party on critiquing it. However, it was only this week I learned how a group of church elders were devouring Meg’s story of how “the size of her hurt indicated the size of her self-righteousness” and using it to justify harming a long-suffering betrayed wife in their congregation.
So, I will begin by admitting, I’ve not read Meg’s book. Life is short and so is my patience with books that are useful to those looking to abuse women in the church. I skipped all those books in the 80’s and 90’s (that so many friends and clients were damaged by ) and I’m not going to start reading them now. What I have done is read reviews (lots of 5 stars by men), an interview with the author and her husband and all those endorsements (by men, including Gary Chapman) that go out of their way, while promoting the book, to gaslight those women who will not agree with it. (Funny, it was a man who told me about it, and how mad it made him.) And I know how this book is being misused to the detriment of at least one betrayed wife. So let’s begin. And, if I make assumptions about this book that are incorrect, I’m very happy to be corrected.
It's not about sex, Meg…
One of the big premises in Meg’s book seems to be that her husband’s use of porn, was not just “his issue” it was “their issue”. In the interview I read, she shows an appalling ignorance of how porn use/addiction works stating:
I knew that men might struggle with this…but I thought it might be when I’m old and/or sick and unable to help him in that area or to be able to be the outlet for all his passions. I thought, maybe, then he might stumble. I didn’t think it would be three years into the marriage, when I’m still pretty fresh-faced and happy when I come home; and I’m still pretty capable of making a good meal. I didn’t expect it to be so soon.
As a counselor who leads men’s recovery groups I regularly have the joy of hearing men arrive at a “eureka” moment on this topic. Somewhere in early recovery (i.e., the outworking of true repentance from this sin which includes making amends to his wife and others he’s hurt) he’ll say, “is it just me, or would you guys agree, it’s not actually about sex.” (I literally had a guy say this in group just last week). Guys who are further along will validate his new-found wisdom and encourage him to share it with his wife, which can help create healing for her.
Porn use is not about a need for sex. It’s about medicating pain, trauma, and negative emotions in a way that seemed to “work” as a child/teen. (I realise I’m simplifying slightly here, but this is at the crux of most porn/sex addiction). This coping mechanism, which drives the formation of addictive brain patterns, is directly related to the idolatry of Israel and her neighbours. They didn’t have porn, but they had other ways of letting their sexuality run counter to God’s design… and it trapped them again and again. (Note: God, who is righteous and not "self-righteous" expressed some strong anger and sorrow about this behaviour and its relational consequences).
Thus, what a woman looks like, how much she enjoys sex herself (or not), how demure or faithful to complete her daily work… have nothing to do with her husband’s choice to go to porn to self-medicate. God will not hold her accountable for this sin, and the church has no business implying He will.
It is an addiction, Meg, and it is “his problem”. Your problem is the trauma it creates and the relational damage that comes with it. Your problem is also the damaging way the addiction has changed your husband’s character and brain... and how that has almost undoubtedly caused him to show up selfish, angry, devious, etc in the relationship.
And of course when you and others in the church say that we (other betrayed wives) are in some way responsible for his porn use, or that our faults are just as relationally damaging as betrayal, instead of focusing on his need to make amends, and tackle the addiction, we have another problem as well. We have a system that is supporting his addictive thinking and our ongoing betrayal.
The counselors at Life Model Works are currently running a series on the issue of “church hurt” that may help if this kind of spiritual abuse has been part of your story.
Please note another extensive free resource that is coming up for betrayed women is the Betrayal Healing Conference going on January 27-31. I’ll be elaborating more on the issue of the sex addiction (including porn use)/domestic violence link in my session.
Get more details and your ticket here!
I’ll continue this series next week with: “But Meg’s right, I’m not perfect either!”
