Last week we looked at some of the research available on the immediate effects of porn use (and betrayal) on children in the home. This week we'll dig a little further into the potential long-term effects.
The Effects on Children’s Developing Attitudes
Knowledge of betrayal and/or sex addiction obviously has a negative impact on the development of both boys and girls. Firstly, I believe that both boys and girls grieve for their mother when she is not honored. However, it is also common for children of both genders to become disrespectful to mom, if disrespect is what they are seeing regularly modeled by dad (all too common where SA has been the pattern). Read here for more on how pornography creates "unconsious misogyny" even in Christians.
It is important to note here that we women also can play a role in our children’s negative attitudes toward us. If we tend to internalize spiritual/ verbal/emotional/physical abuse rather than standing up to it, we teach our children that it is natural that we (and perhaps “all women”) should be disregarded or treated disrespectfully.
Girls and Anxiety
When a girl begins to internalize this kind of message, it can have terrible consequences for her own relationships, particularly her relationships with those of the opposite gender.
Moreover, I’ve also had young women tell me of their anxiety (for their own safety) when left alone with dad – most particularly when he is not in recovery. The image below was created by a 13-old-girl at the suggestion of her counselor. It’s a picture of her and dad in the wake of her parents’ divorce due to his addiction. Dad’s the one in the background.
Research continues to show the connection between SA and violence/offending. Girls should not be reprimanded for fears of dad which show an intuitive understanding of this. Instead they should be given what they need to feel safe from any real/perceived threats of molestation. See more on the issue of child molestation in Beyond Betrayal.
While I’m not aware of any studies that have been conducted on the female children of porn addicts, I have had young women relate to me that they have experienced difficulties with their own sexual development, in their young-adult married life, which they feel is due to growing up with a father with an addiction.
In Dad’s Footsteps
For boys, the combination of seeing their mother demeaned and other women objectified can be quite toxic. And, of course, such poisonous messages merely echo the shouts of our pornified youth culture — a culture which objectifies women and in the words of researcher Marie Crabbe, “makes violence against women sexy.”
When the vast majority of teen boys are using porn regularly (30% of Christian teens/young adults are using it daily says one study), knowing that dad is a user gives a boy just one more reason to “go with the flow.” Sadly, many, many boys’ first exposure to pornography, which may launch them into their own struggles with it, comes from dad (usually inadvertently).
The God of Hope
The good news is that none of these negative outcomes are inevitable. There are many ways to help our kids walk a healthier walk.
I have witnessed (in my own family) how dad’s willingness to come out into the light, enter a holistic recovery process, and work hard to embrace intimacy in his key relationships can have an immensely positive effect on the children. That’s not to say there were no losses. However, losses that can be grieved as a family – and with extra-family support – are far more easily gotten past.
Moreover, children are far better equipped to overcome parental SA when:
- They have been developing their own relationship with their heavenly Father
- There is a healthy spiritual life in the family (even most of the family)
- They are part of a healthy, supportive faith community that extends beyond their family
- They have at least one parent who has their trust and who is able to talk frankly and positively about sex
Even just one of these advantages will give children a leg up in recovering from the losses dealt them by dad’s SA.
My daughter has created a blog for Christian teenagers (girls predominantly) who want encouragement to cultivate a healthy sexuality... even in a pornified world.
--
Would you like to support this community? I'm very grateful to the many readers of the Beyond Betrayal blog. As you may or may not know I have been posting weekly articles for almost 5 years. There is no advertising and I get no direct monetary gain from this work. This is pure and simple "ministry" to the hurting, with recognition that for some "free help" is the only type they can afford. If you would like to support or show gratitude for the work here, consider giving 10-15 minutes of your time to fill out this questionnaire. The results of this online survey on will be used to help the worldwide community of women struggling with betrayal trauma as result of their husband's porn/sex addiction. Thanks!
