Today I want to acknowledge two of the more common (and natural) fears wives of sex addicts face – fear of future betrayal and fear for our children.
Fear: It's not all Bad
Experts talk about “attachment injuries” being the most painful emotional wounding a person can encounter. Betrayal ruptures our attachment bond with our husband resulting in huge pain.
Several years ago Psychology Today posted a scathing article attacking the idea—proven in multiple studies— that betrayed spouses experience trauma.
However about a year later the journal posted an excellent article by Dr. Kevin Skinner, including the results of his own study in this area. Dr. Skinner – had conducted the largest study on partners of sex addicts and concluded:
Anger, possibly even rage is pretty much inevitable on this journey. I devote many pages of Beyond Betrayal to examples of survey respondents’ (and my own) anger, and our reactions to it (usually guilt). And while our anger is very frequently pathologized—by therapists, "him," the church, family—is it possible for it to be a healthy part of this
Last week I gave an overview of how the pain and trauma of sexual betrayal frequently manifest. Today we look at "shock," a.k.a. "freeze."
One of the respondents to the "2014/2015 Survey of Wives of Sex Addicts" said she felt like she was walking around in shock for about three months after disclosure. Another stated:
The pain of betrayal runs deeper than words can describe. When women try to express it verbally it’s almost always in the language of graphic violence:
“It felt like I had been stabbed in the heart over and over and was bleeding to death,” said one respondent of the 2104/2015 Survey of Wives of Sex Addicts.
Over the last couple of weeks we've looked at some of the major reasons betrayed wives find boundaries difficult. Today we continue with two more reasons: low self-worth and reliance on "him."
Many thanks to boundaries expert, Cat Etherington at the Naked Truth Project for the inspiration and outline for this post. For more on the topic of boundaries, consider
Last week we spent some time looking at three of the major reasons betrayed wives find boundaries difficult. Today we continue with two more reasons: hopelessness and inconvenience. Next week we'll finish this series by examining the issues of low self-worth and reliance on the addict.
Many thanks to boundaries expert, Cat Etherington at the Naked Truth Project for the
Many thanks to Cat Etherington at Naked Truth Project, for the idea for this post. As Cat teaches in the Whole Hearted Partners Program webinar on boundaries, some of us need to work on the barriers to boundaries before we try to implement them in the context of our relationship with an SA spouse.
Cat identifies seven impediments to boundaries