Last week our guest blogger, Jane Howcroft, shared insights from scripture on a common lie about lust—that men won't do it (or sexually act out) if they're being satisfied sexually by their wife.
Today, Jane is going to further dismantle the lies in the blog post that inspired this discussion. That post, Making It Easy For Your Husband to Not Lust , displays an appalling lack of understanding about both sexual addiction and God's heart for sexual intimacy, as revealed in scripture. Sadly, the post's author "transformed wife," is not alone in her ignorance, or in her determination to show it off. The results, for the wife of a porn or sex addict (i.e. the one being accused of failing to "satisfy her man"), are usually acute pain—on top of her trauma.
Fortunately we have Jane back to continue deconstructing these common lies. Jane is the author of a bible study for those ministering to wives of sex/porn addicts which will be released later this year through the Naked Truth Project in the U.K.
In her blog post, "transformed wife," writes:
"It is possible for a Christian man to train himself and his eyes to not look at and lust after another woman, but I will tell you the best way that a wife can help her husband to win in this never ending battle. By being obedient to scripture, she actually can make it easy for him to not be tempted to look at and lust after other women…….A wife should absolutely make it one of her highest priorities to keep her husband 100% sexually satisfied at all times….. Failing to do your duty, will make your husband’s life much more difficult (miserable) ……"
My husband was introduced to porn by his father at 11. From thereon in, he became addicted and brought it with him into our marriage without my knowledge. Once I found out, I was repulsed, horrified and felt deeply betrayed; but I was also powerless to stop this evil in my life. And so I tried to meet my husband’s sexual needs. In other words I set out to compete with the porn, I was always available and yet the porn remained.
My opinion is that it is possible for a Christian man to train himself and his eyes to not look at and lust after another woman, because Jesus says he should NOT lust. Paul says the husband is to love his wife just as Christ loved the church, and gave himself up for her (Eph 5:25) which by the way is the kind of husband the wife is expected to submit to (and no doubt would do so willingly). Marriage requires sacrificial love, as Jesus modeled.
When God created woman, he did so because it wasn’t good for man to be alone, and so woman was created as a helper for man; and so, yes, we wives are called to help our husbands in all areas of life. But with PA/SA he needs to firstly recognise the sinful behaviour he is engaged in, and we need to understand that we are not responsible for the problem, nor can we solve it by being sexually available.
As a wife, you deserve to be cherished and honoured by your husband and you should not listen to any of the crass voices that say "forgive and move on," or worse, "try harder in the bedroom." Your husband has to address this issue with professional help and time, and you yourself will also need help to heal.
If a wife has any duty in all of this, it is to pray for her husband if she feels able. It’s hard to pray for someone who is constantly hurting you—but the temptation he faces comes straight from the devil himself and it’s an assault on your marriage—so pray however you can and when you can.
Thank you again, Jane, for these words of wisdom... and I look forward to seeing your bible study when it comes out next month!